Why Am I Blogging?
I don’t think I ever knew I had so much to say until I wrote a book. After all, my book is over 400 pages. I started writing the book six weeks before Dave died and continued writing for about five months after. It was very early in my grief journey when I finished it. Of course, after that it was all about editing, finding a publisher, more editing, designing the cover, metadata and a whole world that I never gave any thought to prior to writing a book. When it was all done and became available for purchase on January 26, 2025—National Spouse’s Day—I realized I still had a whole lot more to say.
I expect my blogging will be over the place. Much the same way my OCD/ADHD brain works. Funny memory just came to mind. I used to stand in the kitchen telling Dave some little story about my day. He’d listen, depending on how mundane it was maybe he only did a good job pretending to listen. Three minutes into the story I’d pause…and then start on a completely different topic. He’d chuckle and say, “SQUIRREL!”
That was his way of letting me know I went totally astray from where I had started. I’d say, “Do you want to know the path I took?”
“Sure,” he’d reply.
“Well, I was talking about the shopping carts at the store, that made me think of the cart stations in the parking lot, which made me think how they’re on blacktop, which made me think how hot the blacktop gets in the summer, which made me think we need to get the HVAC guy here for service before the end of the month.”
He’d shake his head and say something clever insinuating that a visit inside my brain would be a pretty scary trip. But he knew that’s how I rolled and I relied on him to remind me what I was talking about in the first place.
Now, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah! Why I’m blogging. Well so much stuff happened after I finished the book. Eventually I started engaging with other widows and realized what a lousy job mankind is doing as a whole comforting people in grief. Do you know the number of women I listened to that told me how their in-laws ditched them after the death of their husband, or how the stepkids clamored for the material objects they wanted, or the friends that insisted, “You have to get out, you can’t stay inside forever.” when it was only three months after the death. The “best bros” of their husbands suddenly weren’t around. Everyone offers to help in the beginning, but then where do they all go?
“What can I do? Just let me know what you need?”
“ Anything you need, I’m here, just call me.”
Women that had physical labor jobs they needed help with—stuff pulled out of the attic or stuff dragged out to the curb weren’t able to get anyone to help them. I’d ask, “Did you ask him directly for help? Maybe he doesn’t know exactly what you need.”
“Yes,” they’d say, “but he was busy and didn’t offer another time he could help.” The way this pains my heart that my sisters in grief have gone through this tells me we need to work on this as a society. And my best guess? The reason the “bros” weren’t available to help is because they already pushed down the grief and they didn’t want the reminder. How sad!
Let me add how fortunate I have been that Dave’s family has become my family. Not just because we married, but because I love them and they love me. And now that Dave has passed, his siblings are my brother and my sisters. His kids have never done anything other than support and comfort me.
This was just going to be a paragraph about my future blogging, but as you can see I have much to say and I don’t have much of an off button. That certainly wouldn’t surprise my husband!
I want to talk about grief. I want to talk about the day to day of it and how it’s not just “the firsts” that brings a widow to her knees.
I want to talk about the end-of life, hospice care and how our bodies return to that of infancy and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
I want to talk about palliative care. Most of us don’t know what it is and how it can help us. We’re afraid it means our doctor has given up on us and signed our death sentence. It’s not!
I want to talk about advocacy. You need to be an advocate for your person. You need a person to be an advocate for you. There is so much to navigate with a long-term or terminal illness. Medicare, private insurance, peer-to-peer reviews, your doctors, your nurse navigator, your medicines, alternate therapies and for crying out loud in the middle of all that you’re trying to make the most of every day.
I want to talk about medical care and providers. Dave and I were incredibly fortunate with our primary oncologist and surgeon. Some of our other doctors? Not so much.
Basically I want to talk about whatever comes to my mind. Dave died October 29, 2023. It was the worst day of my life. It was the day my old life ended and a new one began. Navigating a new life at this age is challenging. But the fact that I have survived it means I can survive anything. I have no fear.
So I hope you’ll stick around. I hope you’ll contribute and help me change the world. Not a huge task for folks who care and are willing to work together.😊
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By the way, that picture associated with this blog? That’s me at my favorite coffee shop sitting at our table… at The Daily Grind in Surf City, NC. Dave and I were regulars there. I’m basically a fixture there now.
And that picture over my head? That’s my guy. That’s my Dave.
As always, putting one foot in front of the other.
❤️
Patty